


Love in the Wake of Loss

by Rivermoon1970



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Love, M/M, Post funeral
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-04-21 05:01:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4815959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivermoon1970/pseuds/Rivermoon1970
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Against the backdrop of Gideon's funeral, Spencer Reid realizes a terrible mistake he made years prior. Can he fix what he broke or will it forever stay in the past?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love in the Wake of Loss

**Author's Note:**

> So spoiler for Nelson's Sparrow. This fic has been sitting in my hard drive since a few weeks after the episode aired. I was annoyed with the fact that they didn't do a funeral scene. This came out of that. Also I meant to add more but every time I did it just didn't come out right. I know it's short, but I guess that's all it wanted to be. I hope you enjoy anyway.

The funeral was short. Aaron, Reid and Rossi each gave moving eulogies but now it was over and they each needed to try to move on. Rossi went home alone to his dog Mudgie and a bottle of scotch he didn’t want anyone around. He was losing friends people that had been important to him and he wanted time to get perspective on his own life.

Aaron was going home to Jack while Reid, Reid was going home to an empty apartment.

Aaron looked over at the young genius and contemplated what he wanted to say. Reid had rebuffed offers from Morgan and Garcia, JJ and Will, but Hotch wanted to at least try. He didn’t think it would be good for the younger man to be alone. 

He found Reid next to his car shoulders slumped staring out at nothing. Hotch walked up to him and laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Reid, do you want to come over? Jack would love to see you. You could stay the weekend."

Reid was about to say no, but he saw something in Aaron’s eyes a familiar look that told Reid he needed comfort as well as wanted to give it. And before he knew it he was saying yes.

"I have my go bag; I can just follow you back, If that's okay?" He was emotionless as he tried to compartmentalize his feelings over the loss of his mentor.

"That's fine." Hotch smiled at him as he walked to his own car not knowing what the hell he was doing. Reid had been more than a subordinate, more than a teammate, they had been so important to each other once, up until one fateful decision changed it all.

A few minutes later they were pulling up to Hotch's house. Reid parked and made his way up familiar steps and into a familiar living room. He looked around and realized how much he had missed this home. He had been the one to break off the relationship from years before and though they had gotten back to being friends Reid missed that closeness they once had. He watched as Hotch got Jack something to eat and the scene was so familiar that it left an ache in his chest. He hadn't realized he was standing in the middle of the room till Aaron looked over and asked.

"Reid?" His eyes held a knowing look and the older man didn't know how to respond to what he saw there.

"Oh, I'll ah just put this in the guest room." He started towards it and stopped halfway down the hall. He looked in the den that he and Hotch had put together happily one afternoon and for some reason he wanted to cry.

When Hotch didn't hear anything from Reid for a while he decided to go look for him.

"Reid, you okay?" A hand landed on the younger man’s shoulder and he almost leaned back into that touch.

"You kept it the same," He indicated his head towards the combination of library and den.

"I did," Hotch's voice was filled with emotion and suddenly Spencer was spinning on his heels and grabbing the older man in a hug.

"Oh god Aaron. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He started to breakdown in his boss's arms. Too many emotions he had been trying to suppress and it just wasn’t working. Being here again in the house Aaron had bought for them was almost too much.

Hotch was flustered, Reid had broken off their relationship in the wake of the truth of Emily's death. Oh he'd tried to explain more than once but the genius was too angry and too hurt and when Reid left Hotch had secretly shattered and it took a long time to put himself back together. It was by sheer strength of will that he had come in every day and had to look at and work with the man he had loved and if he admitted his true feelings always would love, but the pain ran too deep and he didn’t know if he wanted to go back there. With slight hesitation he wrapped his arms around his former lover and let him cry. After a few moments Reid lifted his head off Aaron's shoulder and placed a kiss on the older man's lips. Aaron closed his eyes against the flood of memories of how Spencer felt in his arms. Wrapped around each other in the night, holding each other close. The whispered words of love and the trust that had flowed between them. Gentle or frantic lovemaking it hadn’t mattered as long as they were together. Aaron felt his eyes as they became wet but he refused to let the emotions overtake him. He placed his hands on Reid's shoulders and gently pushed him away.

"Reid, Spencer, I, I can't." Aaron schooled his emotions as he pushed away from the younger man as he stalked off to his bedroom.

"Aaron," Reid called after the older man as he followed Hotch into his bedroom. Here too he saw signs of their life together.

"What Spencer?" Aaron's face was full of emotions that he hadn't wanted to dredge up.

"I was wrong Aaron. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry." He took a step closer, "Gideon's death it made me realize I don't want to be alone anymore." He reached out and took his ex - lover's hand in his. "I never stopped loving you Aaron." His breath was shallow as he held that other hand in his.

“Spencer, don’t. I can’t, I can’t go back there.” Aaron stood in the middle of his bedroom, his breath shallow, his heart hammering in his chest as he stared at the genius.

“What do you mean? I know you still love me Aaron, I’ve never stopped loving you I made a mistake-” He was about to say more but the look on Aaron’s face made him stop.

“Spencer, you don’t know what you did to me when you left, how long it took to put myself back together.” He looked up with so much emotion that Reid’s heart constricted. He had put that look on Hotch’s face, he had put that pain there and guilt surged through him. He never knew, never really asked and the damage he had done went deep.

“Aaron, I,” He looked around and saw so much that looked familiar. Projects they did together, artwork they had picked out, books they shared and suddenly he didn’t want to be there anymore. He didn’t want to be surrounded by the memories, not if Hotch was pushing him away. He had a decision to make as he looked into those pain filled eyes. He could run again, run from the feelings, the memories, the work. Yes, that’s what it was going to take to make Hotch trust him again, want him again and if he stayed he just might be able to show him that he was ready for that work. Ready to try again and this time do things differently.

Spencer walked up to Aaron and cupped the back of his neck, his other hand settled on Hotch’s hip. He looked for a long time in Aaron’s eyes then leaned in for a kiss. It was soft and gentle at first and Reid was prepared to be pushed away, but he wasn’t. He heard the catch in Aaron’s throat when he was pulled into the other man’s body. Strong arms came around Spencer and held him impossibly close. When they broke apart their heads together Aaron finally found his voice.

“Don’t leave me again,” Aaron said so softly that Spencer almost missed it.

“I’m sorry I ever left,” Spencer whispered back then he was being pulled back into the older man’s arms.  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
Hotch woke-up with the warm body curled around him holding him impossibly close. He gently moved onto his side so he could look Spencer in the face. Gently stroking his lover’s cheek he smiled when Reid woke.

“Good morning,” Hotch cupped Spencer’s chin and moved in for a kiss.

“Morning,” Reid smiled back as he stroked his fingers along Hotch’s jaw.

“Are you sure you still want to go out there today?” 

“Yes, I need to,” Reid held in his emotions as he thought about what the day was and what it meant.

“Daddy, Papa,” Jack ran into the room and jumped on the bed. The nine year old should be too old to jump in bed with his parents but he wasn’t shy. He was just as happy as his father that Reid had come back to them. Jack laid his head against Reid’s chest and smiled.

“Hey Jack,” Reid smiled down at him too. He hadn’t realized that it was two hearts that he had broken when he left. His anger hadn’t held room for rational thought and he never realized how hurt Jack was when he left. When Reid realized that he had done to Jack what his own father had done to him guilt had settled so deep in his gut he didn’t know how to make it right. When he came back in their lives there was a lot of making up he had to do with the youngest Hotchner man. Thankfully it didn’t take long for Jack to forgive him, the boy had the most generous heart he had ever come across.

“Are we still going out today?” Jack sat between his two Dad’s and heldboth their hands.

“Yes we are, why don’t you go get yourself ready and we’ll be right out. We’ll go to breakfast. I promised two someone’s pancakes,” Hotch was playful as he dived on his son tickling him. After a few minutes of the teasing Jack left to go do as his father asked.

Hotch closed his eyes a moment as he pulled Reid towards him giving his lover a soft gentle kiss. 

“I love you Spencer,” Hotch held his gaze so intently that it broke something in Spencer while at the same time lifting him up. He never realized before just how much better he was with Hotch beside him. He thanked the universe everyday for giving him the courage to take the second chance that he had sought out with the older man.

“Aaron, I love you too,” His fingers lingered on Hotch’s face as he smiled wide. After a few minutes they finally made it out of bed.

The three men got dressed quickly and made their way out the door in no time. After breakfast Hotch pulled up into the cemetery and parked. They got out of the car and slowly made their way to their ultimate destination. Spencer moved to the headstone and got down on his knees and sat there for a few minutes remembering the man that was buried there. He had his hand in his coat pocket fingering the chess piece that he had taken from the board in Gideon’s cabin a little over a year prior. Pulling it out he placed it on the headstone and said a silent final goodbye to a man that had been so important to him at one time. Standing up he turned to Hotch and let himself be drawn into the arms of the one person who had always stood by him, no matter what had happened in their lives. He was beyond grateful that Hotch had let him back in when he took that chance the day of Gideon’s funeral. Pulling back he grabbed Hotch’s hand as they walked away leaving behind memories of the past Reid only had hope for the future.


End file.
